This is why we no longer talk

You may have heard this in the news but I think it’s best I say my side of the story

It’s about me and my bestie, we’re now estranged and I just want to let everybody know what happened. Maybe it will give me some kind of closure

I’ve known her almost all my life. I still don’t remember how we met but she’s been there since I kind of knew myself. We’ve never really been apart but she has this thing of showing up when something big or exciting or good is happening in my life.

It’s not what you’re thinking she’s not a fair weather friend, she actually shows up to give me life changing advice. Or so I thought.

I remember when they made me head girl in secondary school. Me! head of all the girls.  The day Mr Ogunyemi told me, she called me aside to give me good advice. Her words” Jadesola, this must be a mistake. I mean look at you , you don’t even look like head girl”. She advised me to reject it and explained it was because she didn’t want me to go and disgrace myself there. Disgrace is a big thing in any Nigerian secondary school o. I agreed with her because me sef I didn’t see it coming. I told Mr Ogunyemi, “please Sir, seems like there’s been a mistake. I’m not even on the debating team and I don’t get to read the news often in the press club, I don’t think I should be head girl”. That Mr Ogunyemi no dey hear word, he just dismissed my concerns as if they didn’t matter. So we started “head-girlship” nah and all through it your homegirl was acting like she was standing in for someone. Like someone will soon come and relieve me of my duties. I was just too afraid to come to terms with being in that office. I think I was the most relieved when our tenure ended.

One time she advised me in that her reasonable tone. I’d been asked to lead a song in the school choir. Following hours of advice, I promptly lost my voice. You know what she said? ‘Jade, I know you can sing o but like good enough to be asked to lead? haba, don’t rate yourself too much. They probably made a mistake when they first gave you the part, now they’ve realized it and are too nice to ask you to take a step back’. So when they handed me the mic, I screeched in fear, completely hoarse.  Funke, bless her, kept giving me banana, orogbo and tom tom, if only she knew what my bestie kept telling me at night..

Another time I got a plum job in a big city. This girl told me  to buy glasses . When I asked her what for? She said as my new work place caters to a very sophisticated clientele, I needed to look smart so they’d take me serious and since I was not originally smart the glasses would fool them. Brethren I agreed o and bought one thick rimmed glasses that I wore to work on my first day. I still remember Bosola’s shock when she saw me with glasses. I had to lie that they were prescription glasses, Omo I wore that thing for weeks before common sense prevailed.

If you know what this silly girl  told me when I got another  job outside the country. She went on and on about  how I’m not good enough for the post despite meeting  all the eligibility criteria. She said I will really mess up at the job. It didn’t sound like she was talking down on me to be honest it just felt like someone who knew me so well was telling me the truth. So when I resumed, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever known. I slept fitfully every night, reciting client details in my sleep, I made stupid mistakes at work and snapped at my hubby at home. I even decided to quit the job. Months down the line my manager says ‘we’d love to have you continue with us’. So I asked her , ‘I thought you said I wasn’t good enough for this job, now that they’ve asked me to stay. what do you think’. She looked at me with so much pity in her eyes and said ‘you poor thing, your line manger is just being nice to you, she obviously doesn’t want you to feel bad. Besides since you’re the only black person on the team, she’s keeping you for inclusivity sake’

 
The last straw that removed the camel’s back was when she told me I was not pregnant when I was 30 weeks pregnant by date and scan. I mean that’s low, even for her. She had followed me into a room filled with pregnant women. As all the other moms-to-be rubbed their protruding bellies joyously, she suddenly said ‘what if you’re not pregnant and it’s been a mistake all along. I mean you don’t even look as confidently pregnant as these other ladies who obviously have mastered the art of being pregnant’

You may be wondering why I kept believing her. Well, like I said earlier, I’ve known her all my life, I’ve come to trust her and she always sounds so reasonable!

See ehn, I have now come to my full senses. I now know she is a serial liar who has been posing as a voice of reason  and caution all this while. Imagine all the silly things she made me do and all the wonderful opportunities I’ve missed!

So that is why I’ve decided to end our relationship, it’s not serving me. I don’t know what she gets from it but I’m out .

I have not mentioned her name because I don’t want it to look like I’m embarrassing her but I’m wondering if that’s not me acting out one of her scripts again.

Anyways I’m sure lots of you know her as she’s probably friends with you too(talk about friendly predator 🙄) but please don’t tag her.

In 2022, say no to impostor syndrome

Glossary;

me sef – Nigerian pidgin for ‘even me’

haba, nah,o, omo, ehen – words used for emphasis/ exclamations in Nigeria

no dey hear word – Nigerian pidgin for ‘he does not listen’

orogbo– bitter kola

tom tom– a common menthol sweet in Nigeria